It’s easy to lose sight of love as circumstances change. It’s easy to say, “Oh, he didn’t give me what I needed anymore,” or “We clicked so well in the beginning, but it’s been downhill from there.” We let true love slip through our fingertips because we think it’s fading when in fact, it’s us pushing love away. It is only natural for things to change throughout relationships. Change is inevitable, and feelings of love may fluctuate, but we lovers are the fickle ones. I believe true love can overcome all obstacles, so long as both lovers make equal efforts to balance the equation as they come.
It’s time for some math. I know… It’s awful. You thought you were done with it. You finished your last math class in high school or college and haven’t looked back since. Any future math that comes your way—you’ve got a calculator for that, or better yet a calculator app. Although math can be complicated, it is also beautiful, and in many ways the simplest way of understanding the nature of things – including chemistry and love. So despite whatever stigma you associate with math as being rocket-science-complicated, just set that aside for now. All we’re doing here is simplifying the equation.
We don’t even need numbers, because not all things in life have a numerical value. The variables that enter our lives have ups and downs of their own, and might be given different values depending on who we ask. Real life variables can be pluses, like getting promoted to a new position, receiving a pay-raise, finally completing college, having a baby, or anything generally beneficial. Negative variables include losing a job, being rejected from a promotion we expected to receive, losing a relative or loved one, receiving a surprising diagnosis, or any number of things, depending on who we are and what we do. Some generally positive variables may have negative side affects and vice versa, such as completing college and receiving a long-awaited, hard-earned degree. This may seem like an obviously positive development in any person’s life, but then again, considering the job market, this milestone may not pay off as instantly as we expect, resulting in a bitter aftertaste of disappointment and self-doubt. It’s our job as lovers to pick up on these underlying variables and act on them accordingly.
Oftentimes, the reason lovers stop giving each other what they need is because they don’t take notice of the variables affecting their partner. The result of this (whether the variables themselves be positive or negative) is always negative. The reason is, say if one lover’s feeling down because they lost their job and the other gets promoted, the one who lost their job may not respond to the other’s promotion with the same positivity the other expected and deserved to receive. Because the other feels like their accomplishment has gone unnoticed, they fail to show the support the jobless lover needs to cope and ultimately recover. Here we have a quintessentially unbalanced love equation. Failing to recognize the variables as they come, whether they be positive or negative, will only result in negativity.
Make a point of doing the math. Keep careful track of every x, y and z at play and how much weight each of them carry. If you notice unexpected changes in your partner’s attitude, there may be a variable you’ve overlooked. Find out what’s getting them down so you can help carry the weight of whatever it is. That’s what lovers do—they share everything—burdens and blessings alike. Relationships end when one partner becomes so self-absorbed that he or she fails to notice what’s affecting the other and neglects to include them in his or her affairs. This creates distance between lovers and destroys their chemistry. They no longer add up.
When you feel your partner is pulling away, you must always ask yourself if you are doing any of the pushing. Sometimes our partners withdraw as a reaction to our initial negativity. Sometimes, we ourselves are unaware of our own energy or what’s causing it. If this is the case, identify what was the issue to begin with, and apologize to your partner for your own part in pushing away, and ask him or her to come back because you need them to get through whatever is negatively affecting you. If your partner loves you, and all variables have been openly addressed, the romance will continue untarnished.
Some relationships are fundamentally unbalanced. This happens when two people enter a relationship for different reasons. One is in it for the love, the other to pursue only his or her individual satisfaction. When this happens, one partner is left starving for affection from the other but holds on in the hopes of getting back what they remember having together when they met. The trouble is, the love they felt in the beginning was illusionary. This is why love must be earned, not freely given! If you put forth an honest effort and balancing the equation doesn’t work, it’s not because there’s something wrong with you. Don’t blame yourself for losing a relationship that wasn’t built to last. To ensure against a fundamentally unbalanced equation, talk to your partner and find out what they want from this relationship. If they’re in it for the long run and they’re willing to commit as much as you, let love ensue. If not, move on—don’t waste your time.
Once you’ve got someone opposite the equal sign, pay close attention to the ever-changing circumstances affecting both of you. Perhaps losing a job could be an opportunity to pursue something of greater interest, something they’re better suited for. There’s always a silver lining, and it’s your job to find it for your partner while their vision is obscured by misery. Do your part in balancing both sides of the equation by countering their minuses with pluses. Restore them to their natural happy selves and help them to move forward. Make sure all variables are accounted for at all times and recognize the ways you’re both affected. This technique will help you keep your chemistry in tact for years to come and send sparks flying ever higher.