Over the past year, I’ve gone through the mourning process of my divorce, embarked on a spiritual awakening, and encountered a divine, yet friction-filled connection, with my twin flame. Now, the simultaneousness of each one of these events, not only left me scrambling for my sanity, but it also left any preconceived notions of love, life, and death lingering in confusion. How did I manage to escape the brutal attack of a nervous breakdown while going through such life-altering experiences, you ask? Even I ponder this myself. Emotionally speaking, excruciating pain would sum up my journey during this time. You know, that shadow revealing type of pain that forces internal transformation, then afterwards, promotes healing. Understanding the phases of growth, I know that the process of pain was needed in order to encourage my ability to let go, embrace, and accept a new reality. There was no preparation for me, and if I wanted to grow in all areas of my life, I had no other option than to endure the darkest, loneliest days of true change.
They say the ending of a marriage is equivalent to experiencing death, and I agree 100%. While grieving my divorce, I suffered through extreme sadness. Realizing that my future plans would never exist and figuring out where to place 8 years of memories created such an anxiety that it was better to simply succumb to my depression and retreat to the security of my bed, which seemed to be my daily norm at the time. From there, my sadness communed with anger companied by hate, blame, self-doubt, and the desperate questions of why.
I was so consumed by the destruction of my marriage, that I failed to see the actual construction that was taking place–a new me. I’ve come to understand that endings and beginnings are simply a matter of perspective. It’s all in how we view those spontaneous ups and downs of this experience we call life. In all actuality, construction and destruction occurs at the same time because in order to create something new, you have to destroy the old. The union with my husband was no longer a marriage. The woman I was when I got married no longer existed, and where I was headed emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually, it wasn’t meant for my husband to join. I had to relinquish my fear of letting go and embrace all things new.
Every day I muster up pride and strength as I walk in my new truth. Going through a divorce was one thing, but having the Divine Powers That Be force the waves of spiritual enlightenment on top of everything else going on in my life helped to guide me through the idea of embracing and accepting all that just is. This has not been an easy journey for me. Most of the close people in my life aren’t spiritually elevated enough to comprehend the unfathomable experiences I’ve encountered. Sometimes, I don’t even understand, but as a result, I’ve lost some friends, had to distance myself from certain family members, and had to seek out comradery from strangers of like minds, which has actually been a huge blessing in my spiritual progress. Again, everyone in my life is not meant to share my journey or even help me along the way, and as disappointing and hurtful as that is, affirming my existence through declarations of unconditional love, acceptance, and worthiness has carried me through. But getting to this place was not easy.
Somehow, during this year of transition, I became silent and emotionless. Verbally, I didn’t speak up for myself or express what I was truly feeling, and I gave up on writing for months. I attempted to gain refuge from a therapist, but my real form of therapy was partying, drinking, and having sex. Yes! Therapy at its finest, until the night came when I could no longer hide or suppress and the tears began to seep. They say water is healing, so I cry. Even when I don’t want to. Even during the times I’ve tried my hardest to contain the pain inside of a smile or in a deeply hidden place away from curiosity or acknowledgment or remembrance. I force myself to cleanse from within in an effort to simply smell the newness of a day, feel a thriving heart beat again, appreciate the abundance that surrounds every piece of me.
How courageous is it to simply wake up the morning after and simply
The courage to be vulnerable… to surrender
and simply live, absent of
judgement or opinions. To wake up and face
yourself, the good and the bad.
People strive to keep you stuck in
pain… stagnation. But what a huge ordeal it
is to wake up and proceed forward.