My Heart Isn’t Where It Should Be

I am not okay. I can finally admit to myself that I have not been okay for awhile now. I have lived a full life and it has taken its toll. The sacrifices outweigh the successes. Disappointments turn into despair. Anxiety has become a state of being. Slowly but surely, it — all of it — chipped away at my confidence. My courage. My faith. My capacity to love. My desire to live. At one point, I was able to credit my shitty attitudes and behaviors to external circumstances but overtime, I found it difficult to stay positive and optimistic no matter what situation I was in. I didn’t have anything to look forward to because nothing was ever good enough for me. It took several years for me to realize that the problem was me and in order for me to fix it, I would have to dig deep (moving to another city, changing jobs, and a new weave didn’t work). My name is Chris, and I have a heart problem. I want to do better, be better, but the cracks run deep. The fractures in my heart can not be traced back to one specific injury; instead, they are the result of all the truths I have failed to accept.

Truth #1: Everyone isn’t my friend. In my head, two people can genuinely love, support, and root for one another despite living different lives and pursuing separate goals. This theory will always hold true for me because I choose to focus on and speak to the good in people first. Where I went wrong was in underestimating the level of discontent in the lives of others. When people aren’t satisfied with the lives they’ve created for themselves, it is, in fact, impossible for them to genuinely respect, support and encourage others. I have learned this truth the hard way. They speak well of you, to your face, but their insecurities allow them to turn you into their enemy, their competition, instead of a friend. I held on, far too long, hoping they would see me — remember us. My heart has suffered from refusing to acknowledge that the friendship died, right along with their faith, a long time ago.

Truth #2: God has more for me. But I didn’t want it. I did not want to be hurt again, to step out on faith and be disappointed again, to love again and fail at it again; to be vulnerable and have it used against me… again. So, I began to snuff out my light. I began to live a life of hopelessness because it felt like no one appreciated the good in me. Not even God heard me. Once I settled into this lie, I had to create several more to support that one: This is it for me. I’m too old for new beginnings. It’s too late. It doesn’t matter. He loves me. This is the one. My season of attempting to live a life contradictory to purpose was quite lonely and depressive, and I’ve realized that a spiritual death is worse than a physical one. I’ve created thorns in my heart by failing to accept the things I can not change, but today and moving forward, I choose life, love and healing.

I am not okay, but I am getting better. I experienced way more anxiety, stress, and depression by co-existing with miserable people so, if you see me out having full conversations with the birds, the trees and the bushes, please don’t call 911. I am just trying to find my way, and nature gives me hope. I have realized that no lie lives forever, so I am in pursuit of everlasting truth. I still have time to fix this. No one said life would be easy but I have to believe that my suffering has not been in vain. I have to believe that I have been good, that I have done good. That my heart will be well again. I am not sure what God has next for me, but I no longer reject it. In truth, I was created for it. My heart isn’t where it should be, but I am doing my work.

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